Dreams of change

Yoda wisdom Mondays and Froggy unexpected Tuesdays… this is how my week has been going.

I love having friends I can get silly with. 

 

I had a dream about frogs.  Yes frogs, strange yet symbolic.  You see, I’ve always taken an interest in what my subconscious is telling me while I’m sleeping and what I learned is that to see frogs in your dream represents change or the unexpected.   Today I had the unexpected crazy with laughter kind of a day.  It felt uplifting to let go of the seriousness that life brings for a little while.  It is also amazing to see how a positive mood can alter the course of a day.  I woke up with the feeling that I could just crawl back into my cocoon and stay there for a few more hours.  The unexpected change was refreshing.  Learn to expect the unexpected.   

So my quick 5 minute blog post is just a reminder to get silly every now and then – it’s good for the soul and has a positive effect on those you interact with.

Rant, Reasoning and Reminders

Why it’s easier to spill my thoughts onto a blank page then to just say what’s on my mind in a moment when it counts absolutely baffles me.  My heart strangles me and the words escape me.  Sarcasm takes over.  I can’t explain it but I’m sure many can understand this phenomenon.   I’m over here trying to find the positive in partially lonely existence.  I say partially because… well I’m not alone.  I am blessed beyond means.  I have two daughters.  However, when they spend weekends with their father it is – just me.  Lately this is becoming harder to deal with.   People…. They come and go.  The strong ones stick around.  Many are weak.  They don’t last.  They have excuses.  Excuses embed into my soul and affect me in the most negative way.  I start believing things.  I start believing that really I am not worth the time.  I’m not worth the effort.   They creep up on me in the loneliest of moments.  They shatter my dreams, desires and hope.   Time to take that advice I can so easily offer others.   One foot in front of the other Melissa and remember that I am in good hands.  It’s so easy to immediately feel selfish and worthless at the same time.  I’m telling you all of this because it’s a reminder that I am human.  We are all human.  Even those that try to remain positive have bad days.  Sometimes I think we might even have more.   I know I am going to learn from this.  I am always learning.  Repeating yet again… I am worth it.  I am worth it.  I am worth it. 

Country Song

Ever have those days when it feels like you are living a sad country song?   I know I do.

::cue twangy guitar music::

Life is getting me down.  My horse is getting old (my car).  Where the heck is my cowboyyyyy? 

Eh.  You get the idea.  

There's a joke that's been circulating a long time that goes like this.  "What happens when you play a country song backwards?"   You get your truck back, you get your dog back, you get your girl back and life is good.
Kinda funny lol.   I'm trying to play my own country song backwards whenever it starts to play its sad tune in my mind.  I have to admit, its pretty hard to keep a positive outlook when it feels like the walls are closing in all around you.  Chances are pretty good that you aren't alone and that someone has been there and still has lived to see better and brighter days. 

Here's to writing a new song... with happy endings.  

Brain-cation

I've neglected you - I'm so sorry!

What has happened in the past month?  Well let's see:

• I finally finished up that class I've already forgotten about ;-)  
• I've fully embraced summer - first sunburn of the season and all!
• I saw a dear friend of mine after a year and that was totally cool
• Played in a lake and went REALLY fast in a speedboat
• Celebrated my baby turning 8 years old on America's birthday
• Participated in the annual Kid's Day festivities here in my town
• Saw some amazing fireworks!
• Gave my brain A REST.

So you see... it was a much needed brain-cation so that I could hopefully come back with some more fresh and inspiring and funny and heartfelt and... well, you get the idea - STUFF to share with all of you! 

I tend to lose myself once summer comes along.  I can get completely intoxicated on everything my favorite season has to offer.  I love sunshine, summer rain showers, campfires, s'mores, camping, star gazing.... ah just plain GETTING OUT.  Especially living in New England where it feels like half the year I'm trapped within the confines of my small apartment hiding from the elements.   I need to get out and be free and experience the great outdoors.  This comes with road trips and beaches and and and....  oh my can you sense my excitement?!?!  I fully intend to soak up every possible moment before its time to put the layers back on and crank the heat.  I'm running barefoot and letting the sun lighten my hair for the next several months and I hope to have much to share with you during this so stay tuned for more! 

Trust30 Day 10 - my message

Your Personal Message by Eric Handler

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?
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My message to a million people would be the same message I would give to my girls if they could just learn one thing from me...

 You are who you are and where you are at - for a reason.

It's the same thing I tell my friends when they question life
It's the same thing I tell myself when I feel unsettled....

I don't take any situation for granted. 

We are not without purpose. 

Every bump in the road and yeah even the crashes - are there for us to learn.  It's not always the easiest thing to do.  It might be something you need to learn about yourself.  It might be something you have to learn about others.  It just might be something that is pushing you into another direction... closer to your purpose.

So my message is short and simple but I feel at least for me personally, it gives me some comfort knowing that there is a plan for my life.  The people I meet, the situations I face,  everything... has been placed before me for a reason.  

Trust30 Day 9 Writing Challenge

Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksch

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.
(Author: Mary Jaksch)
 ****************************************************************************

Things that are too scary for me to write about are things that I would like to never revisit in my mind ever again. These are things that I'm not sure I will ever have the courage to put out there on a blog or in a book.

There would not be any reason to.  

They are however things that if I knew telling someone would help them, then I would.  

If they would help a person understand the scars I have inside, then I would.

But I choose not to let the scars define me. 

So until the moment arises that I share my "scary moments" then I remain quiet.  I lock them away.  

They are of no use to me.

Trust30 Day 8 Writing Challenge - Five Years

Five Years by Corbett Barr

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?
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To Me - Five Years Ago

Dear Me from the past,

Hello - how were you? (haha just a little "past humor") 

I would like to let you know that the next five years aren't going to be any more fun than the previous five but you will learn a lot about perseverance. You will also learn how much you can handle to the very limits of your being. I wish I could have told you then to learn how to contain your feelings a little more - it might have saved you a lot of heartache. But, I know me um.. you... and I know you are stubborn and well there's no stopping what you feel is there?  Those emotions are strong and take over your brain and cloud your judgement.  It will lure in the wrong people and scare away most of the good ones.  Oh Melissa, when will you get it? 

Hopefully in the next five years...  

To Me - Five Years Ahead

Dear Me in the future,

You better have got a handle on that whole wearing your heart on your sleeve stuff.  I sure hope you didn't turn bitter and cold from the many disappointments you most likely have faced.  I hope you haven't lost your sense of humor and your love of simplicity in life.  If this is what happened well SNAP OUT OF IT! This is not the woman you were meant to be.  It's not your authentic self and being authentic is what people do love about you. 

I hope you have finally received that bachelors degree and finally found a place to live where you can have your own bedroom that isn't shared with the living room. More importantly though, those girls are teenagers now.  Wow.  I hope that you have raised them to feel comfortable enough to come to you openly with their problems.  I really hope its not as scary as I think it will be dealing with teenage girls :-)  I want for you to continue to raise them with even more love, patience (try try try!) and guidance. 

I hope you met a man that understands and appreciates you and wants to be around you.  I hope that you feel the same way about him. If you haven't met this man then I pray you have found contentment in yourself and your life to be just as secure and happy while you are waiting. I believe that it will be worth the wait in order to have all things be as they are meant to be. Most of all I hope you are still learning and becoming even stronger of a woman.  Never lose your authentic and loving side. Finally, I hope that your anticipation for the next five years is filled with hope and excitement and lacks any fear. 

Well it was definitely kind of weird to talk to myself just then.... but definitely a great exercise in thought.

What would you tell yourself?

Trust30 day 7 Writing Challenge

Dare to be bold by Matt Cheuvront

Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.
A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work
The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.
Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.
The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?


Interesting that today's writing challenge seems to be a continuation of my reply to the day 6 blog post. It's like this person is talking directly to me for things I'm holding back: 

• Starting a business (check)
• Quitting a job (check)
• Dating someone who may not be our type (eek no way! How about just not dating period - check!)
• Moving to a new place (check)

Is this guy in my HEAD???!!!!

 Ok so if I have to pick one thing from that list then let's start from the top.  Starting a business, a cafe to be exact.  I've explained my obstacles in yesterday's post but decided to stop by the SBA website for some insight.  I found this little self checklist that should be considered before starting a business:

The SBA advises anyone thinking about starting a business to ask themselves several questions before going forward.

• Am I a self starter?
• How well do I get along with a variety of personalities?
• How good am I at making decisions?
• Do I have the physical and emotional stamina to run a business?
• How well do I plan and organize?
• Are my attitudes and drive strong enough to maintain motivation?
• How will the business affect my family?

Well done SBA... this is being realistic.  Although I am a big dreamer - I live realistic.  There are definitely some obstacles for me to overcome according to this list that I should address before stepping one foot into that cafe.

Self starter?  Yes I am definitely a self starter.  I've always been that way.  My father being the sharp wit business man that he is used to tell his employees when I was little that I could run the department better than they could. Ha! (I wonder where I get my sarcasm from?)  I would not be on my own, raising two girls, working full time, school part time if I did not do it out of my own free will. I know that I'm completely capable of starting something but the key here is necessity.  I've done these things because I did not have any other option.  I moved out at 19 and have been self sufficient ever since.

Getting along with other personalities - yes!  I know I can interact with a multitude of different personalities and I continue to do so.  I'm intrigued by the minds of other people and always look to learn something from them. 

Making decisions - oh getting tougher here...  I can say there have been a lot of decisions I have not made the best choices on.  This is how we learn too right?  However, in business this is risky.  obstacle 1.

Physical and emotional stamina?  This is for sure obstacle 2.  I have the physical stamina but the emotional stamina can affect that.  I am emotional.  I think too much.  My life is filled with stress already and it takes its toll on me physically and emotionally.  This tells me I'm not exactly ready right now to take on a cafe business that would require me to be rock solid 24/7/365.  This is something I am sure I am in the learning process for now.

Planning and organizing - I constantly plan now, I can plan the socks off of anything.  Organize - eh I could do better but I know I can do it.  Sometimes though I'd like to hand the oars over for a bit and say please - can you row for a while?  I think with some help this obstacle would be easily overcome.

Ah yes - big obstacle # 4.  My attitude. I think its reflected in several blog posts lately but my attitude kind of is lacking in the positive department for a little while now.  I know that if I was telling someone else to go for this kind of business that they can do it.  That they can overcome all of these obstacles.  That if that drive is there nothing will stop them.  I know this is true for myself as I have done it.  I've faced worse obstacles and still have managed to get to my feet and keep walking and sometimes even running forward.

The biggest obstacle of all is how this business would affect my family.  My little family of us girls.  This is where the fear chokes me.  I don't want anything to negatively impact the lives of my girls.  I feel with the amount of attention and focus it would take to start a business like this would take away from them.

So, as you can see I have definitely thought this through.  This dream has always been in my mind but seeing that its just me taking on the world here its a bit scary.  My steps to overcome these obstacles would be more self-reflection.  I need to sit back for a little while and reevaluate my life for a bit.  The timing does not feel right and I think that maybe there is more in store for me in the near future.  I patiently wait and pray.  I know my life is in good hands.  When the time is right it will happen.  In the meantime - I am still a work in progress so time to get working on those obstacles.

Trust30 day 6 Writing Challenge

Come Alive by Jonathan Mead

Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.
Bonus: How can your goals improve the present and not keep you in a perpetual “always something better” spiral?


If I had one week left to live I can say for the most part I would not be doing what I'm doing now.  I actually don't want to be doing what I'm doing now even if I had 50 more years left to live.  This is probably one of my greatest struggles. I am referring to the job I'm in, the place I live and outside of my children - how alone I feel.  I have dreams and aspirations but I put them on hold based on fear. I want to open a cafe but if that business falls through - what then?  I want to do something with my love of photography but what if that doesn't give a steady income?  You see I'm not allowed to be selfish.  There are many "buts" and "what if's" that go along to every dream because I have two children that rely on me to be successful NOW.  So I stay in the job that gives me a steady income.  I go to school studying in a field I really don't have a desire to work in only because I know its a reliable field to find work.  

The one and only thing that I wouldn't stop being is a Mom.  It's the only reward I have to my life currently and it is the most challenging.  I learn through them.  It is my one and only constant source of giving and receiving of love.  I crave it.  It gets me out of my bed every day.  It gets me to work every day.  It pushes me through school.  It makes me want to be a better person - every single day.  If there is one thing that I can work at and hope to succeed at is to be the best mother I can be.  Someone they can look up to,  someone they can talk to openly and know that they are never alone. 

The way I look at it is once they are grown and on their own and hopefully thriving independent women then well I have my chance at doing what I want to do.  I'm not exactly sure if this is what Mr. Emerson would have me doing but I still have much to learn don't I? 

Trust30 Day5 Writing Prompt

Travel by Chris Guillebeau

If we live truly, we shall see truly. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

Melrose Abbey - Photographer Tom Curtis

I'd love to visit Scotland and Ireland.  Both. I just can't choose one over the other.   I'd love to see where my ancestors started out and get a feel for life in the green country.

I want to see the Blarney stone (not sure about kissing that thing yuck!)

Visit Loch Ness

Explore some castles

Sit at a real Irish pub and drink with the locals

and take lots and lots of pictures.....

There is something so romantic about the rolling hills and the countryside that intrigues me.  The history draws me in.  The cities excite me.   I can't wait for when I visit.

Notice I said WHEN I visit. 

I hope that maybe I will find someone that shares this dream with me because it would be so much more fun to experience this with another person.  The how I will make this happen is really not a worry for me because I'm more of a when I'm ready I will MAKE it happen kind of gal.  At the moment its just all about waiting for that right time.

When the time is right it will happen - I have complete confidence in that :-) 

Trust30 Writing Challenge Day 4

Post-it Question by Jenny Blake

That which each can do best, none but his Maker can teach him. Where is the master who could have taught Shakespeare? Where is the master who could have instructed Franklin, or Washington, or Bacon, or Newton? . . . Shakespeare will never be made by the study of Shakespeare. Do that which is assigned you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Identify one of your biggest challenges at the moment (ie I don’t feel passionate about my work) and turn it into a question (ie How can I do work I’m passionate about?) Write it on a post-it and put it up on your bathroom mirror or the back of your front door. After 48-hours, journal what answers came up for you and be sure to evaluate them.

Blank Page

Blank page I despise you

My need for words on this space is greater than your empty feel

I was given a talent and a need to click across this keyboard with fury

Firing out my expression and emotion and thoughts

But you mock me

I was not made to be empty like you

I refuse to be empty like you

Blank page, you won’t have the last non-word

I'll be back soon enough

And when I do – I won’t leave a single space open

Be ready

Blessed

I've cried - and was given a shoulder to cry on

I've gotten angry - and was given boxing gloves and a sparring partner

I've questioned my own worth - and was shown nothing but love and appreciation

I still hurt

but

 

I'm still standing strong as ever

I'm still the person I was always meant to be 

but I feel humble and SO BLESSED

never before have I felt so "worth it" before....


  

Questions

How do you deal with a broken heart?


How do you stop the dreams that give you restless sleep and wake feeling like a hangover of the heart?

How do you stop your brain from overanalyzing?

How do you stop associating all those things that remind you….of that person and makes your stomach turn into knots?

How do you stop yourself from the constant need to say just     one       more     thing?

How do you shake that feeling of thinking they cared and now realizing they really dont....?

Endless questions keep rolling in my mind...........

Letting go is never easy.

Lesson

I believe we are given experiences in life that we are meant to learn something from.

No matter how much it hurts inside, nothing should be taken in vain.

I learned something that was hard for me to take recently.  It's something that probably I should really remember before I lose myself into these experiences.  I let my emotions run my actions too much and I see that this is where I go wrong.

I learned that I KNOW I am worth going the distance for and that I want and deserve to be with someone that feels that way about me too.

Work.In.Progress.

Challenge

As a kid I was really shy.



I spent a lot of time alone or in the company of adults. I picked up a large vocabulary and read encyclopedias for fun. My creative energy was spent coloring or drawing. I even had my own “newspaper” that I loved writing stories for.


I created for myself a safe environment that was free of criticism and ridicule. Trust has always been a shaky subject. I learned to analyze everyone and everything instead of just taking small risks that could be potentially great. I knew the little world I had created for myself was harmless.


Yet inside that shell was POTENTIAL that needed to be unleashed.


As a teenager I started to take small steps outside of the comfort zone.


I joined majorettes and twirled a baton in front of big crowds
I sang solos at church
I gave up most of my public speaking fear in college when I pushed myself through a speech class – and survived!


I said goodbye to the shy girl but remnants of her trust issues and insecurities remain.


I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS – but really, shouldn’t we all be??


I have this need to push myself out of my comfort zone from time to time. If I’m not being challenged I feel like I’m not living life to its full potential. So, I strive to challenge myself often.


My goals are to make the most out of me as I possibly can.


Have you challenged yourself lately?

Rainy Day

Well it's a rainy day here in MA.   So here are some suggestions for a rainy day...

Start off with some coffee of course......

Then drive your brother crazy....

It's a great time to focus on those projects you've been needing to get done :-)

Play a game! 

Get a little silly!!

But most of all....

Make sure to LAUGH

One of These Days

One of these days I’m going to…

                write the great American novel

                open my artsy swanky café

                visit Scotland and Ireland

                kiss in the rain on a summer night

                learn and point out all the constellations

                take a risk, without fear, and have it turn into something great

                really learn how to speak Italian fluently (it’s kind of choppy right now)

                invent something

                fall in love and have the feeling be mutual and right

                realize that I am worth it.

My list is long and limitless but I gave you the first 10 to pop into my head. 

I’d like to read about yours….   One of these days you are going to...  And GO!