Still accepting crumbs I see….
These are words I say to myself after I’ve done it again. I’ve allowed myself to fall weak when I should stay strong. I should turn and walk and not look back. I allow the words I would tell my friends to roll through my head.
“He doesn’t appreciate your worth”
“A man who truly loves you would not make it all about him”
“Don’t fall for the seemingly sweet words…. It’s just the bait to reel you in”
“Actions speak so much louder than those words my friend… actions”
I see the inaction. I feel the difference. I say how I let myself even get this far and this long with my emotions. I should have held strong. I should have known nothing was ever going to come of this. I fell for the words. You know which ones… the hope, the promises, the dreams which turn into what ifs, if only, and excuses.
Lesson learned: Don’t fall for words.
Anyone can make you feel like you are a princess on earth with words and seemingly adore you but the part that matters most is backing up the words. Showing emotions, proving to someone they will be there and that the words aren’t just floating by like bubbles about to pop. My friends, if a person talks the talk – they should walk the walk.
So I know here is when friends in similar situations and even myself have asked – What do you do now? How do you get beyond this crushed and painful feeling? Well, I allow myself to feel those emotions. I am not in denial of my pain and feeling sad is being human. Most important is that I learn from this as I learn from every experience. These moments of pain are there for us to grow and there will be more times like this. I posted this on Facebook today but feel it applies to this post too:
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love – for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is it perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. ~Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life
So if you find yourself in a situation similar to mine then be thankful for it. If you didn’t get smacked in the face with that reality then you wouldn’t be able to learn about yourself. Most of all, it means that you have a new door to open and something is so great behind that door. Trust it and move forward to a time when all this will be a distant memory and true happiness and wholeness will find you. Embrace the love you have right now such as your children, family and friends. Throw yourself into things that make YOU happy. Admire your surroundings and dare each day to find something wonderful and beautiful in your day. Find solace in the things you do have and are grateful for. This one pain, it sucks, but you needed this to get to what great things are ahead. Smile with that thought alone.
