Monday, July 8, 2013

Finding beauty



“We all have choices…”

What happens when the choices have been exhausted?

What happens when the only choice you have left is to stay right where you are, as much as it hurts, as much as you struggle and as much as you can’t see any hope for a beam of light where you are?

In circles, I’ll let it run in my mind

Why?  Why?  Why?

Much like the questions of toddler – “I don’t understand!!!”

On a daily basis I feel the need for a tantrum. I want to fight with this unknown. 

I am angry.  I am scared.

Where is contentment?
Why so much burden?

Why?  Why?  Why?
 
My fists curled up tight, lips pursed, furrowed brows and tears spilling over.  

I’m a mess.  Life is unfair.

The clichés never offer any solace to my pain.  Life is what you make of it!”   “God never gives you more than you can handle!”  These phrases only add insult to injury.  

Lately I have been reading posts from Lisa Leonard (www.lisaleonard.com) where she writes about “beauty in brokenness”.  I have been touched and humbled.  At what point did I stop noticing the beauty in everything?  When did I forget about the lessons I have learned in the darkest of times?  There is a beauty that emerges from all things but somewhere I had forgotten to open my eyes to it. 
  
I’m taking a moment now, even when it is difficult to write… to uncurl the fists, relax the body, dry the tears and to   just    b r e a t h e .  Like that toddler, I still have much to learn.  Learning that there is beauty even among the ugly parts in life is something I need to embrace. I keep striving for goals and pushing to get there all while beating myself up along the way that I haven’t taken much time to see the journey.  It’s easier to become hardened by our struggles instead of joyous of even our little victories.

So, today I’m daring myself to find the beauty in brokenness daily.  I will never stop being a work in progress.  Growing pains are inevitable. I’m holding on to the excitement of becoming a better me one day at a time.  In the midst of life trials and tribulations I am reminded to be thankful for what I have and how far I’ve become.