Fight or Flight

It’s fear.

                Fear of losing what makes you feel incredible.

When it feels like someone is pulling away I begin an immediate introspection.

                                Is it me?

                                What have I done?

                                Don’t I deserve better than this?

It’s fear of familiar heartache

                                The pain that consumes you.

                                The thoughts that drain you –  Why?  Why? Why?

It’s fear.

                It’s fear of being back to just you.  Fear of losing affection.

                It’s simply human nature.           

                                But fear is painfully strong

                Fear causes you to react with fight or flight

                Choosing between running or taking these tangled knots in my stomach and throwing them --       

                                Hey you, take this!   You, feel this way!

It’s selfish.  It’s knee jerk reacting. 

Do I run? Do I pretend it’s… that feeling… just not there? 

Anything!  I’d do anything to stop the fear, the panic and that pain.

I must fear myself.

I fear that there is no one that will take me as I am.

I fear that I won’t be able to say what I want and be understood.

I fear a loveless existence.

Retreat to Nature

Retreat to nature
To the starting point
Earth... Wildlife... Air...Water
The earth that grounds you
The wildlife that survives elements
The air required for life
Water for renewal
Feel the earth
Breathe the air
Cherish the wildlife

Be cleansed with the water
Retreat back to life
Strong, revived and renewed.

Embracing Life Lessons

Still accepting crumbs I see….


These are words I say to myself after I’ve done it again. I’ve allowed myself to fall weak when I should stay strong. I should turn and walk and not look back. I allow the words I would tell my friends to roll through my head.


“He doesn’t appreciate your worth”


“A man who truly loves you would not make it all about him”


“Don’t fall for the seemingly sweet words…. It’s just the bait to reel you in”


“Actions speak so much louder than those words my friend… actions”


I see the inaction. I feel the difference. I say how I let myself even get this far and this long with my emotions. I should have held strong. I should have known nothing was ever going to come of this. I fell for the words. You know which ones… the hope, the promises, the dreams which turn into what ifs, if only, and excuses.


Lesson learned: Don’t fall for words.


Anyone can make you feel like you are a princess on earth with words and seemingly adore you but the part that matters most is backing up the words. Showing emotions, proving to someone they will be there and that the words aren’t just floating by like bubbles about to pop. My friends, if a person talks the talk – they should walk the walk.


So I know here is when friends in similar situations and even myself have asked – What do you do now? How do you get beyond this crushed and painful feeling? Well, I allow myself to feel those emotions. I am not in denial of my pain and feeling sad is being human. Most important is that I learn from this as I learn from every experience. These moments of pain are there for us to grow and there will be more times like this. I posted this on Facebook today but feel it applies to this post too:

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love – for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is it perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. ~Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life

So if you find yourself in a situation similar to mine then be thankful for it. If you didn’t get smacked in the face with that reality then you wouldn’t be able to learn about yourself. Most of all, it means that you have a new door to open and something is so great behind that door. Trust it and move forward to a time when all this will be a distant memory and true happiness and wholeness will find you. Embrace the love you have right now such as your children, family and friends. Throw yourself into things that make YOU happy. Admire your surroundings and dare each day to find something wonderful and beautiful in your day. Find solace in the things you do have and are grateful for. This one pain, it sucks, but you needed this to get to what great things are ahead. Smile with that thought alone.

Purpose

I often wonder why certain people have been brought into my life.  As a believer in everything having a reason, I am naturally curious to find out the purpose.  I’ll contemplate things I’ve learned as not a single moment is taken for granted.  I believe without a doubt that each person has been placed perfectly in my life for good reason.  I’ve learned a lot, from different perspectives down to what it feels like to lose.  I’ve learned patience, understanding, compassion, wonder, amazement and love.  

I’ve learned about myself as well.

I have seen myself through others eyes.  I’ve learned how to become a better me.  However, I have trouble with learning to let go.  I’m learning that there comes a time when a person has placed their stamp in your life and to appreciate what it was and to let it go.  I’m learning to trust that my life as a whole has a purpose.  A purpose that I won’t understand and I need to continue to learn and grow to reach the next step. 

 The step of where I am ultimately meant to be.  

So I'm working on myself with forward thinking.  There are great things in store for me... for you...  we just have to trust placing one foot in front of the other and believing that what's ahead is even more amazing if we let go, and let it happen.   

Forgive

Forgiveness.

I get it. I understand that forgiveness is something we are supposed to do. We are better for it. But, what happens when we can't forget. What happens when we can't trust beyond forgiveness?

What do we do then?

AND are we truly forgiving the person if we cannot let go of the pain that lingers.

If we just                      can't                    forget  ???




That is all I have right now. If I get the answer to this turmoil inside me, I will share.